Jack Bauer for Supreme Being!

I don't think I'm alone in my devotion to JackFuckingBauer, 24's modern day renaissance man. (What, you don't think being a computer savvy weapons expert who can torture a bad guy in several languages qualifies someone as a renaissance man these days?) But, like every hero, Kiefer Sutherland's character is flawed. I'm not referring to his occasional bending of the law, disobeying of orders or heartbreaking of women. Rather, Jack routinely makes terrible decisions involving his cell phone.

Dude, they invented the "vibrate" mode for a reason! How many freaking times have we seen Jack creeping along right outside the villain's lair only to have some dweeb at CTU call him to find out if he wants to kick in $5 for a baby shower gift? I realize that the TV show's "writers" - if you believe it isn't real, that is - might be forced to let Jack's cell phone ring so that viewers will be alerted to the fact that he has an incoming call, but something tells me America will put two and two together if Jack stops what he's doing, unclips the phone (btw, not even JFB can look cool with the cell phone holster), makes the "This really isn’t a good time!" face and says, "This is Jack." I think people will then realize, "Oh, he got a call. Must have it on vibrate." Or, perhaps Jack is the only one who can hear it. Maybe the computer genius fat guy who played the FBI agent that busted Big Pussy on The Sopranos designed a ring tone that only German Shepherds and federal agents of German descent can hear! Of course, my nitpicking probably has more to do with jealousy. I mean, Jack clearly doesn't have Nextel as his cellular carrier. I wish I could call him and find out who he's got. My signal gets interrupted if I walk past a transistor radio sitting on a beach blanket, yet Jack gets perfect reception deep inside CTU, despite its hundreds gadgets, systems, etc.

Come to think of it, EVERYBODY gets perfect reception inside CTU! This is important, though, when you want to provide continuous communication capabilities for all of your moles. I'm no security expert, but here's an idea: Ban cell phone conversations in CTU! That way, you can trace all calls coming in and out, which just might cut down on fatal leaks. "Uh, sir. It seems Nina just made a call to a…Bin Laden, Osama. Would you like me to follow up?" And while I'm at it, here's another suggestion for the guy in charge of CTU: Get a new HR director! I don't know who is making these hiring decisions, but she has greenlighted an incredibly high number of traitors. I mean, is there even a questionnaire that candidates have to fill out? Who is doing the background checks, Roscoe P. Coltrane?

I just want to keep Jack safe, that's all, because when Jack is safe, America is safe.

Must've been a slooooow news day in Hollywood

This actually made page one of Variety on Thursday, Feb 2.

Pair Catch Viagra Pitch

By Michael Fleming

Rising to the occasion, producers Scott Stuber and Mary Parent have made a preemptive acquisition of the Jamie Reidy memoir "Hard Sell: The Evolution of a Viagra Salesman."
The book will form the basis for a fictionalized film about the pharmaceutical supply biz to be scripted by Charles Randolph.
The Universal-based producers used their discretionary fund to pay high-six figures to take the book and Randolph's pitch off the table. They will develop the project at the studio.
Stuber and Parent will produce with Randolph.
Reidy's book is a somewhat humorous expose of the highly competitive and cutthroat world of pharmaceuticals, where salesmen schmooze doctors, nurses and hospitals to get them to use their brand of drugs.
While Reidy formerly hawked Viagra and other pills for Pfizer, the film will be set at a fictionalized company.
"It's a world I haven't seen in film before. Charles came up with a pitch for a great character piece," he said. "There is also a good love story in the middle."
Margaret Riley will exec produce.
Project marks the first significant book deal Stuber and Parent have made since leaving the U exec suites last summer to become producers. They just wrapped "You, Me and Dupree" and are in pre-production on the Peter Berg-directed "The Kingdom." They are producing that film with Michael Mann.
Randolph scripted "The Interpreter" and "The Life of David Gale" for U during Stuber and Parent's tenure at the studio. Scribe also worked on the script of the Steven Spielberg-directed "Munich."