Shattered Faith
I’ve had enough. I cannot stomach another second of the lies and deceptions. No, I’m not referring to the current administration. They’ll be gone in two years, whereas the insidious forces to which I refer have no expiration date. WMD are the least of our concerns when marketing terrorists live and breathe amongst us.
This is not a new fight for me. I first fell victim to their manipulations in the spring of 1993 when serving as an Army officer in Japan. Have they no shame, praying upon the defenders of the very freedoms they abuse? I spent 14 minutes in a PX aisle, agonizing over my first pots-n-pans purchase. One set cost three-dollars more than the other, yet, to my virgin eye, there was absolutely no difference between the two. I cracked under the pressure and, thinking that price reflected quality, bought the more expensive set, thereby falling victim to what was probably the grand plan of the pots-n-pans executives in the first place. Bastards.
I was reminded of that personal violation last week while standing in the bread aisle at Ralph’s, my local proctology chain. My weekly mission to acquire wheat bread took more time than usual, thanks to a recent invasion of thousands of other brown breads, which camouflaged the wheat brands. These “grains” must be the hot new thing in the bread world because they are getting all the primo shelf space. Like the pots and pans incident, I could see no difference between these breads. The kind marketers had already thought of that, though, and had given the items names that highlight their unique offerings. For example, they have “7-Grain” bread and, for the grainally challenged, “12-Grain” bread. I looked at the loaf of wheat in my hand and then back to the Super G’s. I picked up the 7G and searched for a listing of its contents, but found none. I did the same with the 12G and had a similar result. I stood there in a panic trying to figure out if seven grains are inferior. Maybe I don’t even need seven, let alone a dozen. How the hell am I supposed to be an informed shopper if the bread makers don’t inform me??? I stuck with wheat. Freaking bastards.
Immediately after Graingate, I headed to the rice aisle to confirm a suspicion I have long held: Minute Rice takes five minutes to cook. What the fuck! How is that possibly legal? I do not know why I was surprised. Try dropping your clothes off at the one-hour dry cleaners. Just don’t expect them to be ready in 60 minutes. Don’t even get me lubed up about the 15-minute oil change.
My spirit broken, I staggered to the “cleaning” aisle (detergents, Lysols, Swiffers, etc) for one final purchase. Draino Max Gel’s slogan reads, “Gets out the hardest clogs better!” Yeah, that makes perfect sense. I remember in high school explaining to my parents that I didn’t get 700 in math on the SAT because, “I just have trouble with the first five or six questions in each section, okay? But then I breeze through the last ones!” If our cleaning products are dirty, people, I shudder to think where that leaves us.
Next thing you know, somebody’s going to tell me that eating three times as many “1/3 the fat” Pringles doesn’t equate to the same amount of fat as before. Bastards.
This is not a new fight for me. I first fell victim to their manipulations in the spring of 1993 when serving as an Army officer in Japan. Have they no shame, praying upon the defenders of the very freedoms they abuse? I spent 14 minutes in a PX aisle, agonizing over my first pots-n-pans purchase. One set cost three-dollars more than the other, yet, to my virgin eye, there was absolutely no difference between the two. I cracked under the pressure and, thinking that price reflected quality, bought the more expensive set, thereby falling victim to what was probably the grand plan of the pots-n-pans executives in the first place. Bastards.
I was reminded of that personal violation last week while standing in the bread aisle at Ralph’s, my local proctology chain. My weekly mission to acquire wheat bread took more time than usual, thanks to a recent invasion of thousands of other brown breads, which camouflaged the wheat brands. These “grains” must be the hot new thing in the bread world because they are getting all the primo shelf space. Like the pots and pans incident, I could see no difference between these breads. The kind marketers had already thought of that, though, and had given the items names that highlight their unique offerings. For example, they have “7-Grain” bread and, for the grainally challenged, “12-Grain” bread. I looked at the loaf of wheat in my hand and then back to the Super G’s. I picked up the 7G and searched for a listing of its contents, but found none. I did the same with the 12G and had a similar result. I stood there in a panic trying to figure out if seven grains are inferior. Maybe I don’t even need seven, let alone a dozen. How the hell am I supposed to be an informed shopper if the bread makers don’t inform me??? I stuck with wheat. Freaking bastards.
Immediately after Graingate, I headed to the rice aisle to confirm a suspicion I have long held: Minute Rice takes five minutes to cook. What the fuck! How is that possibly legal? I do not know why I was surprised. Try dropping your clothes off at the one-hour dry cleaners. Just don’t expect them to be ready in 60 minutes. Don’t even get me lubed up about the 15-minute oil change.
My spirit broken, I staggered to the “cleaning” aisle (detergents, Lysols, Swiffers, etc) for one final purchase. Draino Max Gel’s slogan reads, “Gets out the hardest clogs better!” Yeah, that makes perfect sense. I remember in high school explaining to my parents that I didn’t get 700 in math on the SAT because, “I just have trouble with the first five or six questions in each section, okay? But then I breeze through the last ones!” If our cleaning products are dirty, people, I shudder to think where that leaves us.
Next thing you know, somebody’s going to tell me that eating three times as many “1/3 the fat” Pringles doesn’t equate to the same amount of fat as before. Bastards.
posted by Jamo at 5:27 PM
3 Comments:
must be nice to have that kind of time on your hands to ponder bread at the supermarket...don't you have a screenplay to write or something?
As a matter of fact I do have a screenplay to write. It's called LOAF: The Rise and Fall. It's at yeast halfway done.
Really amazing! Useful information. All the best.
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