Jack Bauer for Supreme Being!
I don't think I'm alone in my devotion to JackFuckingBauer, 24's modern day renaissance man. (What, you don't think being a computer savvy weapons expert who can torture a bad guy in several languages qualifies someone as a renaissance man these days?) But, like every hero, Kiefer Sutherland's character is flawed. I'm not referring to his occasional bending of the law, disobeying of orders or heartbreaking of women. Rather, Jack routinely makes terrible decisions involving his cell phone.
Dude, they invented the "vibrate" mode for a reason! How many freaking times have we seen Jack creeping along right outside the villain's lair only to have some dweeb at CTU call him to find out if he wants to kick in $5 for a baby shower gift? I realize that the TV show's "writers" - if you believe it isn't real, that is - might be forced to let Jack's cell phone ring so that viewers will be alerted to the fact that he has an incoming call, but something tells me America will put two and two together if Jack stops what he's doing, unclips the phone (btw, not even JFB can look cool with the cell phone holster), makes the "This really isn’t a good time!" face and says, "This is Jack." I think people will then realize, "Oh, he got a call. Must have it on vibrate." Or, perhaps Jack is the only one who can hear it. Maybe the computer genius fat guy who played the FBI agent that busted Big Pussy on The Sopranos designed a ring tone that only German Shepherds and federal agents of German descent can hear! Of course, my nitpicking probably has more to do with jealousy. I mean, Jack clearly doesn't have Nextel as his cellular carrier. I wish I could call him and find out who he's got. My signal gets interrupted if I walk past a transistor radio sitting on a beach blanket, yet Jack gets perfect reception deep inside CTU, despite its hundreds gadgets, systems, etc.
Come to think of it, EVERYBODY gets perfect reception inside CTU! This is important, though, when you want to provide continuous communication capabilities for all of your moles. I'm no security expert, but here's an idea: Ban cell phone conversations in CTU! That way, you can trace all calls coming in and out, which just might cut down on fatal leaks. "Uh, sir. It seems Nina just made a call to a…Bin Laden, Osama. Would you like me to follow up?" And while I'm at it, here's another suggestion for the guy in charge of CTU: Get a new HR director! I don't know who is making these hiring decisions, but she has greenlighted an incredibly high number of traitors. I mean, is there even a questionnaire that candidates have to fill out? Who is doing the background checks, Roscoe P. Coltrane?
I just want to keep Jack safe, that's all, because when Jack is safe, America is safe.
Dude, they invented the "vibrate" mode for a reason! How many freaking times have we seen Jack creeping along right outside the villain's lair only to have some dweeb at CTU call him to find out if he wants to kick in $5 for a baby shower gift? I realize that the TV show's "writers" - if you believe it isn't real, that is - might be forced to let Jack's cell phone ring so that viewers will be alerted to the fact that he has an incoming call, but something tells me America will put two and two together if Jack stops what he's doing, unclips the phone (btw, not even JFB can look cool with the cell phone holster), makes the "This really isn’t a good time!" face and says, "This is Jack." I think people will then realize, "Oh, he got a call. Must have it on vibrate." Or, perhaps Jack is the only one who can hear it. Maybe the computer genius fat guy who played the FBI agent that busted Big Pussy on The Sopranos designed a ring tone that only German Shepherds and federal agents of German descent can hear! Of course, my nitpicking probably has more to do with jealousy. I mean, Jack clearly doesn't have Nextel as his cellular carrier. I wish I could call him and find out who he's got. My signal gets interrupted if I walk past a transistor radio sitting on a beach blanket, yet Jack gets perfect reception deep inside CTU, despite its hundreds gadgets, systems, etc.
Come to think of it, EVERYBODY gets perfect reception inside CTU! This is important, though, when you want to provide continuous communication capabilities for all of your moles. I'm no security expert, but here's an idea: Ban cell phone conversations in CTU! That way, you can trace all calls coming in and out, which just might cut down on fatal leaks. "Uh, sir. It seems Nina just made a call to a…Bin Laden, Osama. Would you like me to follow up?" And while I'm at it, here's another suggestion for the guy in charge of CTU: Get a new HR director! I don't know who is making these hiring decisions, but she has greenlighted an incredibly high number of traitors. I mean, is there even a questionnaire that candidates have to fill out? Who is doing the background checks, Roscoe P. Coltrane?
I just want to keep Jack safe, that's all, because when Jack is safe, America is safe.
posted by Jamo at 11:03 AM
4 Comments:
Msr. Reidy:
I too have marveled at the incongruity between the minutiae of 24 and nitty-gritty of real life. These mind-numbing and obvious howlers (many of which you point out) are usually commented on by yours truly during spasmodic bouts of fast forwarding through the 15 minutes or so of commercials we get with every episode. With a little math 101, I have safely deduced that one of the most important messages of the show is that 25% of our real time life is supposed to be dedicated to watching rugged images of Ford Trucks; people with cell phones that not only actually work but make them so, so happy; and exciting previews of the next heart-stopping episode of whatever garbage Fox decides to pump out as its next hit series.
But then it hits me: all I have to do to return my systolic to a normal level is remember that I am watching a television show. It’s not real. It’s not even close to real.
And thank goodness.
If it were real, the President of the United States would not only be the biggest pussy of all time, but the most sophomoric and ill-intended mind to ever sit in the Oval Office .
Wait a minute. On second thought …
Of course, you may have made this very point somewhere within your fine post above. I am a victim of the Internet age. I can not read anything anymore—from email to Dostoevsky—without going into some hyper-speed-reading mode learned on the job of reading too much with the false perception of too little time. When I do slow down, pay attention to the little things that matter like argument, tone and word choice; well, to be perfectly honest, I get a splitting headache.
What I need is a fast forward button on reading. Maybe Jumpin’ Jack B can cook that one up in his CTU lab. Perhaps he will be wise enough to add an ability to fast-forward conversations as well. And then, when his latest love interest decides to chat him up (usually while he is under hostile gun fire in some abandoned LA warehouse—nice downtown you got there) on how much she misses quiet mornings spooning, he can just hit a button and blah, blah, blah, we’re back to a show about terrorists and not watching a bad re-make of Days of Our Lives.
Those are some great points, JCF, who may be married to TT. Except the part about 24 not being real. Please.
And how about last night's double episode? I almost choked on my Big League Chew when C. Thomas Howell's name appeared in the opening credits. I wish they had let him go uncredited, like DeNiro in BACKDRAFT, because it really ruined what would have been one of the all-time great surprises for me. But there's no "suspension of disbelief" button that can make me think CTH can pull a babe like Kim??? This has to be his hottest piece since Kelly Preston in SECRET ADMIRER. Which begs the question, was Elisha Cuthbert even alive when PonyBoy helped beat up the Soc's?
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